Manic? Depressed? Both?

I decided to clean my house today and I immediately went up. I hate this disorder so much! The phrases and songs started to repeat in my head, I started getting hypomanic...I thought I was depressed? What is this about? As soon as I become active I get high? That is a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. Why can't I just be normal for a day? JUST NORMAL! Now I am stuck with nothing to do and I am hypomanic, border-lining on manic/psycotic. Maybe I should just take a pill, but no, I have a dr's appointment at 3:30. Why is it I can't just have a normal day. I wish my pills would work.

New Year

With the new year upon us I can't help but wonder what it will entail for me. Another year of depression? I hope not. I can't work because I have been deemed unfit for work. I have to wait for me to be approved for long term disability in may so my new year really doesn't start until then. I am going to be an anxious mess until that time. I am certainly going to try and smile more, to try and stave off the depression. It seems to work for me. Maybe some yoga? Who knows. Hopefully the psychiatrist can figure out my medication and I can get rid of this depression. I really wish I wasn't turning another year older without kids. I don't even know if I want or can have kids yet. That is another big one... Can I properly take care of children with this disorder? I don't think so. Not in the current state I am in. Constantly up and down. Adding a child into the mix would be a tremendous task, one I am not ready or willing to take on. I am going to be 31 this year. Unless my moods stabilize, I don't think I will ever be able to have children. This is so sad for me to think about. Bipolar has robbed me of work and children. The 2 main things in life that could bring me joy. At least I can be grateful and say I still have my partner to take care of and love. I just hope there is a magic pill that will stabilize my moods! For now, I am not stable and I have to accept that. Acceptance is the key to all my problems. As soon as I can accept it, I can do something about it. Talk to my psychiatrist. Tell him I am not happy with the meds I am on. Hopefully he will agree to put me on another mood stabilizer. All I can do is try.

Haven't written for a while

I haven't written for a while. I have been in the depths of depression and topamax (dopamax) induced fog. Life has been tough. I just recently seen another insurance psychiatrist who has said I am certainly bipolar 1 and I am unfit for work. Consequently, I am going after my insurance in May. This cause a lot of stress for me which I am afraid will trigger a manic episode. This Dr also helped me clarify my psychotic breakdowns don't come with depression, they come with mixed episodes.

Part of me was hoping it wold be something different. That my psychiatrist was wrong and I don't have bipolar disorder. Even though in my heart of hearts I know I have it, I was hoping I didn't. Silly right? Not really. Who wants this? This depression that stands for normal? My manic highs are all but gone, so is the psychosis as my pills are working (for now); but this depression is killing me. It is taking away my desire to live a fulfilling life. I try to do the little things, but even those are slipping... the laundry hasn't been done, the dishes barely get done I cook maybe a couple times a week. Pizza is the norm around here. I guess I can take heart in the fact I can be so open about it; get it off my chest. I hope there are others out there who can identify with me as I am barely making it right now.

Life Today

I have come out the other side of my depression without any "bad" outcomes. It was a rather smooth transition and I have only one scar on my wrist to show for it. (sorry if that disturbs some...) but it is what happens..... I am hopefully starting some therapy soon that will help with the cutting and the suicidal idealization. It is dialectical behavioral therapy which is mostly used for borderline people, but since I am suicidal and self-harm, it can help me too. This is good because I am quite bored with my life right now. I don't have much to do with my day and am finding I am becoming a hermit. I am stabilized on my new medications (so far) and am hopeful I will remain that way. I have just detoxed off of sleeping meds and bezo's and have had success with that. Hopefully I will remain stable and will be able to go back to school.

Insurance Doctors

I recently had a visit wit an insurance doctor to determine the severity and the validity of my diagnosis for the insurance company with a doctor they appointed. The appointment lasted 2 hours. In that time the doctor directed the appointment in a way that was unpleasant and demeaning. I recently received the report from the appointment and of course he came back with a diagnosis that was in favor of the insurance company. I am still "disabled" but in his professional opinion I have borderline personality disorder. This is such a difficult disorder to diagnose especially after only on 2 hour appointment. I would like to know how he came to the conclusion so quickly. Is it because I used drugs in my past? Was it because I was in a horrific relationship with man who beat me? Or is it because it makes it easier for the insurance company to get me back to work quicker? I have been in a stable relationship for 6 years. This itself points towards me NOT being borderline. How can this doctor credit himself professional? I have 2 doctors who have diagnosed me with bipolar 1, why would he want to confuse my case any more? Why would he want to make it any harder on me to to take my medications? His suggestion was to take me off all my current meds and put me on less than I am on; although the meds he did suggest were also for those who would also have bipolar disorder (just in case... he would be covering his ass if I had a breakdown and ended up committing suicide because of the med changes.) I am thankful I have a psychiatrist who won't be pushed around by insurance doctor's or insurance companies.

Robbed

Depression robs me of everything. My will to do anything or to find interest in anything I am doing. Nothing has any sparkle in it. Life is dull music is dull, movies are dull words are dull. My own existence is dull. I smoke cigarettes because I am bored and can find nothing that interests me. I find nothing anywhere. Everything is boring. My dog bores me, my husband bores me. Cooking bores me. Putting food into my mouth bores me. Bathing bores me, putting clothes on bores me. The taste of food bores me. It is all pointless. The world is pointless. This is depression. The very tip of depression for me. The bottom end of it is a tad more scary, I will go there soon. I feel my self becoming agitated with my boredom...with this listlessness. The world is bleak. My eyes can not see colour right now. I know it will switch; it always switches. But right now all is dark and bleak.

Meltdown

Had a depressive meltdown. I am more than upset about the lack of care available for people who are suffering in my area. I am suicidal and they have no beds for me at the hospital. I NEED to be HOSPITALIZED! It is ridiculous. I hate the liberal government of British Columbia. There is nowhere for me to turn.