Manic Monday, Depressed Tuesday. Life with Biploar Disorder

Manic? Depressed? Both?

2011-01-05T12:18:00.000-08:00

I decided to clean my house today and I immediately went up. I hate this disorder so much! The phrases and songs started to repeat in my head, I started getting hypomanic...I thought I was depressed? What is this about? As soon as I become active I get high? That is a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. Why can't I just be normal for a day? JUST NORMAL! Now I am stuck with nothing to do and I am hypomanic, border-lining on manic/psycotic. Maybe I should just take a pill, but no, I have a dr's appointment at 3:30. Why is it I can't just have a normal day. I wish my pills would work.

New Year

2010-12-29T11:51:00.000-08:00

With the new year upon us I can't help but wonder what it will entail for me. Another year of depression? I hope not. I can't work because I have been deemed unfit for work. I have to wait for me to be approved for long term disability in may so my new year really doesn't start until then. I am going to be an anxious mess until that time. I am certainly going to try and smile more, to try and stave off the depression. It seems to work for me. Maybe some yoga? Who knows. Hopefully the psychiatrist can figure out my medication and I can get rid of this depression. I really wish I wasn't turning another year older without kids. I don't even know if I want or can have kids yet. That is another big one... Can I properly take care of children with this disorder? I don't think so. Not in the current state I am in. Constantly up and down. Adding a child into the mix would be a tremendous task, one I am not ready or willing to take on. I am going to be 31 this year. Unless my moods stabilize, I don't think I will ever be able to have children. This is so sad for me to think about. Bipolar has robbed me of work and children. The 2 main things in life that could bring me joy. At least I can be grateful and say I still have my partner to take care of and love. I just hope there is a magic pill that will stabilize my moods! For now, I am not stable and I have to accept that. Acceptance is the key to all my problems. As soon as I can accept it, I can do something about it. Talk to my psychiatrist. Tell him I am not happy with the meds I am on. Hopefully he will agree to put me on another mood stabilizer. All I can do is try.

Haven't written for a while

2010-12-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

I haven't written for a while. I have been in the depths of depression and topamax (dopamax) induced fog. Life has been tough. I just recently seen another insurance psychiatrist who has said I am certainly bipolar 1 and I am unfit for work. Consequently, I am going after my insurance in May. This cause a lot of stress for me which I am afraid will trigger a manic episode. This Dr also helped me clarify my psychotic breakdowns don't come with depression, they come with mixed episodes.

Part of me was hoping it wold be something different. That my psychiatrist was wrong and I don't have bipolar disorder. Even though in my heart of hearts I know I have it, I was hoping I didn't. Silly right? Not really. Who wants this? This depression that stands for normal? My manic highs are all but gone, so is the psychosis as my pills are working (for now); but this depression is killing me. It is taking away my desire to live a fulfilling life. I try to do the little things, but even those are slipping... the laundry hasn't been done, the dishes barely get done I cook maybe a couple times a week. Pizza is the norm around here. I guess I can take heart in the fact I can be so open about it; get it off my chest. I hope there are others out there who can identify with me as I am barely making it right now.

Life Today

2010-04-21T15:14:00.000-07:00

I have come out the other side of my depression without any "bad" outcomes. It was a rather smooth transition and I have only one scar on my wrist to show for it. (sorry if that disturbs some...) but it is what happens..... I am hopefully starting some therapy soon that will help with the cutting and the suicidal idealization. It is dialectical behavioral therapy which is mostly used for borderline people, but since I am suicidal and self-harm, it can help me too. This is good because I am quite bored with my life right now. I don't have much to do with my day and am finding I am becoming a hermit. I am stabilized on my new medications (so far) and am hopeful I will remain that way. I have just detoxed off of sleeping meds and bezo's and have had success with that. Hopefully I will remain stable and will be able to go back to school.

Insurance Doctors

2010-04-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

I recently had a visit wit an insurance doctor to determine the severity and the validity of my diagnosis for the insurance company with a doctor they appointed. The appointment lasted 2 hours. In that time the doctor directed the appointment in a way that was unpleasant and demeaning. I recently received the report from the appointment and of course he came back with a diagnosis that was in favor of the insurance company. I am still "disabled" but in his professional opinion I have borderline personality disorder. This is such a difficult disorder to diagnose especially after only on 2 hour appointment. I would like to know how he came to the conclusion so quickly. Is it because I used drugs in my past? Was it because I was in a horrific relationship with man who beat me? Or is it because it makes it easier for the insurance company to get me back to work quicker? I have been in a stable relationship for 6 years. This itself points towards me NOT being borderline. How can this doctor credit himself professional? I have 2 doctors who have diagnosed me with bipolar 1, why would he want to confuse my case any more? Why would he want to make it any harder on me to to take my medications? His suggestion was to take me off all my current meds and put me on less than I am on; although the meds he did suggest were also for those who would also have bipolar disorder (just in case... he would be covering his ass if I had a breakdown and ended up committing suicide because of the med changes.) I am thankful I have a psychiatrist who won't be pushed around by insurance doctor's or insurance companies.

Robbed

2010-04-04T12:05:00.000-07:00

Depression robs me of everything. My will to do anything or to find interest in anything I am doing. Nothing has any sparkle in it. Life is dull music is dull, movies are dull words are dull. My own existence is dull. I smoke cigarettes because I am bored and can find nothing that interests me. I find nothing anywhere. Everything is boring. My dog bores me, my husband bores me. Cooking bores me. Putting food into my mouth bores me. Bathing bores me, putting clothes on bores me. The taste of food bores me. It is all pointless. The world is pointless. This is depression. The very tip of depression for me. The bottom end of it is a tad more scary, I will go there soon. I feel my self becoming agitated with my boredom...with this listlessness. The world is bleak. My eyes can not see colour right now. I know it will switch; it always switches. But right now all is dark and bleak.

Meltdown

2010-04-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

Had a depressive meltdown. I am more than upset about the lack of care available for people who are suffering in my area. I am suicidal and they have no beds for me at the hospital. I NEED to be HOSPITALIZED! It is ridiculous. I hate the liberal government of British Columbia. There is nowhere for me to turn.

Depression out of nowhere, or should I have expected it?

2010-03-31T18:38:00.000-07:00

I get overwhelmed with feelings of uselessness. Sadness and fear. All wrapped up into one. My chest tightens and I feel a breakdown coming on. I know I am depressed because I am eating more and I don't want to get out of bed in the morning and I want to crawl into bed in the middle of the afternoon. My anxiety is heightened by the fact that I am accomplishing nothing in my life and no one can make me see any differently. I can hear all the good suggestions but the mere thought of trying to accomplish something gives me aches. All I can see is complete and utter failure at the end so why even begin? The sad part about this is this is the beginning of my depression where I am still coherent enough to recognize what is going on. Soon enough I will slip into psychotic delusions of god and the devil chasing games with my soul. I will start into fits of rage and cut myself until I bleed. I want this to work out for the best. I don't want my brain to be this way. I want my medication to work. I don't want to end up on the hospital again. My life feels so mundane right now. So bleak. So empty. I do not contribute, I feel like I am not here I do not exist. This is a pain that is so deeply embedded into my psychic make-up I don't think it will ever change. I am not suicidal at this point but I know that stage is coming soon. I know what to do, and somehow that makes me a better bipolar patient. I hate it. I wish I were a bad bipolar patient maybe then I could get locked up. Maybe I do need to go away for awhile. One doctor thinks I am fine another thinks I am totally crazy. I know I am not okay. I battle through this; have battled through this for a very, very long time. I just want some peace. I am now wanting for the voices to start speaking to me. The songs and repetitive words and phrases have begun. I know everyone gets a song stuck in their head, but I get 1 or 2 sometimes 3 stuck in my head at once and they keep repeating over and over and over again and again... or a phrase..... someone saying something, or even me saying something.. over and over again and again. Or images again and again. Then the psychosis really breaks loose with the delusions (right now they are delusions about the end of the world). Mostly my delusions surround god and the devil (this is why I chose in my natural state to try and be an atheist). It doesn't scare me anymore, I know they are not real; I am actually quite tired of it all. But it is completely out of control and I don't know what to do about it. I try very hard but keep hitting a brick wall. Maybe I am a hopeless, helpless case? I try to think I am not. But this past year has been the toughest of my entire life. I will keep you updated even if (when I become psychotic).

Medications

2010-03-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

I ran out of medications while on vacation and had to supplement one anti-psychotic with another. SOOOO BAAAD! I am groggy and uncommunicative right now.It is tricky for me to have the right amount of my meds because of my third party medical. They only allow me to have specific amount of medication for a specific amount of time. Not fun when you have to transfer meds, or lets say, you spill water all over an opened bottle of your anti-depressants (yes, I did that too). It has been hellish for a while now. I can't imagine what it will be like when I try to detox off some of these meds.

Stress

2010-03-28T16:06:00.000-07:00

Managing stress is difficult when you have bipolar disorder. I am certain managing stress without bipolar disorder is difficult on it's own. I have anxiety which am certain is a product of the bipolar disorder and worry about the tiniest of things. I cannot get to sleep at night because of it, my eye twitches because of it. My doctor told me to take my anxiety medication (valum and ativan) to stop the anxiety twitches. But I think I need to deal with the stress that is causing the anxiety. But I don't do much of anything! I don't work, I don't participate in any stressful activities. I don't do anything that causes unwanted stress in my life. It is all in my mind. How do I change my thought patterns? I have to work it out on my own and with my psychologist and psychiatrist. It is all in my head.

Maniacal Wake Up Call

2010-03-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

I woke up maniac this morning. Racing thoughts without control. I made a pot of tea and went for cigarette on my stoop. I sipped my tea, and once the smoke was finished tried some deep breathing exercises. Tried to take in m surroundings. All I could think about was what I was going to write about so I figured blogging was a type of mediation I would practice for now. It makes me calm. It makes me disheartened when I wake up in a state (either depressed, manic or both) because that means my mood state is getting worse. This time I am just going to ride it out. Write about it it and try my best to keep my environment stress free. I want to stay out of the hospital. I am going to do some vigorous exercise for two weeks strait starting this coming Saturday (snowboarding anyone?!?) I think this will get me out of this funk as it is the most stress free activity I can think of. Plus It brings me the most peace. I am so very connected when I am on a mountain gliding down to the bottom. It doesn't matter how good I am or how much my knee hurts (torn meniscus , acl repair x3 & arthritis); all that matter is I am symptom free when I am up there in the fresh air. I don't ever think about my bipolarism when I am on a snowboard. I can't wait.

2010-03-15T22:38:00.000-07:00

TATTOO!

2010-03-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

There is nothing better in the world than the feel of endorphins being released into your body from a searing type of pain. A dull pain, cutting pain. I have felt a sharp ripping, tearing pain before and do not want to experience THAT again. I entirely blew out my right ACL playing soccer in 1993. My knee was facing the opposite direction of my foot before it snapped back into position. That is not the type of pain I am talking about here. I am talking about a slow sweet release of endorphins that rushes through your body. A lot of people wonder why people get tattoos. Or to go even further with the topic, why people got turned on by pain. Because the endorphins feel good. They are our body's natural heroine. They take you to never-never land make you sleepy and dreamy. Like nothing is wrong and everything is going to be okay. Who doesn't want to feel that way? It's no wonder with my bipolarism I have a huge arm piece that I am getting more work on tonight? I have also started ideas for my next 2 pieces. Some people look down on me, some look at me in awe. I say, whatever keeps me from self-harm, and looks really nice on my body gets an A++ from me. ( I don't actually say that to them) I usually give a giggle when someone asks me what does your tattoo mean? One time I did answer honestly and I think the woman just about wet herself. I said it isn't the tattoo that is necessarily significant but the experience itself. The tattoo has meaning, but that meaning goes deeper than just the picture on my body. It is an act of freedom from inner pain. I am claiming my body as my own. I am taking control of my brain chemicals an saying to them "for these few hours I am in charge." She totally didn't get it but it opened up her perspective to an entirely different world she didn't even know existed right in front of her face. Everyone has a story behind there tat's, why they choose them what they mean; mine are just pictures, I have them because I am in deep emotional pain most of the time. Tattooing helps me feel better, it is a part of my therapy and I go to the same guy and probably always will.(Thanks Nigel) I have a pretty clear picture that I will be covered by the time I am 40. Who care if I am a granny with tatty,s.... It is better than cutting scars all over my legs.

And yes, I suppose I could just go do some heroine... but I already tried that, and trust me, I don't end up looking so pretty. I'll stick to tattoo's and the meds my Dr. gives me.

Better Now

2010-03-15T14:37:00.000-07:00

I feel I am back on track. I think my medication regime is working. I gain weight with the zyprexa but it helps with the psychosis. I also up'd the ziprasidone on my own because I don't see me psychiatrist until April 8th and I didn't think I could wait until then. We will see how it goes.

Hospital AGAIN!!!

2010-03-13T16:13:00.000-08:00

So right when I think I am doing fine and everything is stable the voices came back, full force. I think it is because I have overloaded my brain with too much information. plus the stigma and rejection I am feeling about my mental illness from my work is really getting me down. I am very sad they are treating me so poorly. I feel lost... I took my meds, but they were not enough to keep the delusions and suicidal thoughts or agitation at bay. I ended up in the emergency department last night. My choices were to wait in the emergency until a bed became available or try and manage this ugly side of bipolar at home. I chose to come home. I'll keep posting.

Stable?

2010-03-12T09:17:00.000-08:00

I am stable the past week and a half. Two times I have been asked if I am happy and I have replied:

"No, I am stable. I'd take stable over happy any day".

You see, if I am happy, I am in trouble. I become excited then jubilant then over zealous then agitated..... which all means of course... I am manic. And then the psychosis settles in for a nice trip around the ring and were in for a doozie. Happy is not a good place for me to be.

Satisfied and tired, say for example after a good day of snowboarding is a very nice place for me to be. I can handle this emotional state.

Now if I become EUPHORIC, I never want to come down. I don't want to take my meds. I want to stay up all night writing and reading. I get high off of my own brain chemicals. It literally feels like I am high on cocaine (I can say this because I have done copious amounts of the fluffy stuff). Who would want to come off that!!! High, off your own brain chemicals? WOW! But alas, again, the psychosis always comes and I know this so I have to take my meds. For some reason I am a responsible bipolarite (thanks mom) and I take care of myself. I am afraid of the consequences. I don't want to loose my partner. I don't want to get any worse. I don't want to go to the hospital. I want to get better. Does this lessen my condition, or make me a better patient? I am having a difficult time sorting this one out.

I see people with less of a "diagnosis" than me who have a harder time living than I do. Is it because I have control & self awareness, or is it because I have been misdiagnosed?

But then I look back to my teenage to early twenty's; if I had been diagnosed then, I would not have had the self awareness and self-esteem necessary to hold such a heavy burden such as the diagnosis I am carrying now. I would have shut down completely. I would have fallen deeper into depression and even deeper into maniacally using drugs and alcohol. I feel for my fellow bipolar & depressive friends who are suffering without the help & support I have received. It nearly is breaking my heart to think of having to go through a serious diagnosis plus all of the baggage life hands you, plus an addiction. All I can say is something out there is looking out for me, and I in turn have to give something back. I believe in my heart I just have to. People are suffering. Really, really suffering and it breaks my heart. I need them to know; they are not alone.

Live what I write

2010-03-11T08:51:00.000-08:00

I was sitting on my stoop having a cigarette scared about going to the mood disorder meeting last night. But then it dawned on me. I had to. I had to because I had written it down that I was going to and I needed to live what I had written; I couldn't be lying! I had to get up and shower and brush my teeth and get ready to go to this meeting. These simple living skills may seem minor to some but to us living with bipolar, they are huge. It is difficult from a day to day basis to accomplish the minor things in life.

Don't ASK why because I have no real clue. It could because I get distracted so easily and one project gets started and not finished until forever comes. I have many projects going on at home right now. Most I am all in the middle of. But I did make it to the mood disorder meeting and it was really helpful for me to have an understanding of my disorder better. I am sick, but in good hands. This makes me grateful. Some people are not even willing to recognize themselves as diseased and are still drinking . Still others are not taking there meds as prescribed and have a whole bunch a therapy for past issues to deal with. I am on top of the game as far as all of that goes. I am hopeful because ALL I have to deal with is bipolar. I have no other issues. I am not an addict anymore, I have no 'mommy and daddy' issues nothing from my past to hide from. I have a good self-esteem. I feel for the others because there is so much work involved in getting to this place that I am at and you need a lot of fight. I believe people can do anything if we put our minds to it. For good and for bad. I hope and pray others make it as far as I have.

Im Back

2010-03-10T14:07:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while because

1) it is hard to get anyone to follow and
2) I was completly spaced out on medication in December and January that I didn't have an original thought let alone enough energy to get off my ass for a proper meal.

I detoxed myself off of the medication and it was HELL. But was able to pull through. I spent 2 weeks in the hospital in October which is why I was put on the heavy medication 500 mg of Seroquil per day plus 300 PRN (as needed) . Plus all my other medications (benzos, anti-depressants, anti-convulsants, sleeping meds)...

Basically a whole whack of shit faced going on. I was NUMB!!! A zombie. But it tore me out of the psychotic tumble I was in. Then I realized I wasn't dreaming, I wasn't writing, I wasn't doing....anything. I went to my doctor and told him ENOUGH with the Seroquil. I want it taken down. I want something new. Now I am on Ziprasidone. It is a newer form of Seroquil and I seem to be much more stable and able to write and read and dream. The down side is I am still expreriencing psychosis which got me a script for Zyprexa... the most lovely weight gaining traquilizer one can get.

(Is this all to much to follow?) Well it is my life, and all I want is 3 months of stability where I have no mood swings. Then I can come off the benzo's. Then I want another 3 months of stability and I can come of the Zyprexa (I only take it PRN, but I don't even want to look at it as an option for at least 3 months; that means 3 months free of psychosis symptoms). Then I want no sleeping pills 3 months after that. That's 9 months. So in 9 months, I want to be on just the anti-depressant (Pristiq) my anti-convulsant (Topomax) which works as a mood stabilizer, and the Ziprazidone. If I achieve stability for 3 months with this combination, in 1 year I will enroll in Journalism school and be on my way to a new career.

You see I believe that no matter how sick a person is they can have a plan. My diagnosis now is Severe Bipolar 1 with mood provoked psychotic and suicidal features with 6 major mood swings per year and 8-12 minor mood swings per month; I suffer from mixed episodes and am obviously an ultra rapid cycler. But I have a plan.

I am eating healthy, I study my condition, I read, I write, I make myself sleep every night no matter what I have to take, (within the constrains of my scripts). I am exercising, I talk about my diagnosis, I do not believe my diagnosis is who I am. I take a holistic approach to my disorder without going to far.

I try to live my life. I seek help. I try and help others.

What else can I do? I ask this question all the time. I am grateful I have this disorder and not a terminal illness. This disorder only becomes terminal when I make it terminal. It is within my control to make myself better. My choice today is to make myself better. Right now.... I am choosing to have a shower, write some more, clean my house, brush my teeth, walk my dog and be grateful I can do these things because it is within my power to do so. Tonight I will go to my first mood disorder meeting and meet with people who are like me; share my experience with them and connect with their experience as well. I am excited and happy to be alive.

Insurance Companies - The Devil's Advocate's

2009-10-30T11:08:00.000-07:00

Dealing with insurance companies while sick has proven to take a toll on my already fragile mental health. Being recently diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 disorder, I am now in a fight to recieve long-term disability from 'my' insurance company. One thing is clear: they work for themselves and hide behind their policies in order to stay out of the red. Understandable from a business perspective; but what about my well being? I am on the verge of a breakdown because of the stress inflicted upon me by 'my' insurance company. I have a genuine condition and am unable to work, specified by both my family and psychiatric doctor's. I have provided the insurance company with more than enough evidence to support my claim, but still, they ask for more. More red tape, more stalling, more stress. I have become a financial burden on my family as I am not generating ANY income, nor will I be able to until it is established I am well enough to work. To say this is frustrating is an understatement. I am downright certifiable over their policy shrouded stall tactics. They are creating more of a hassle than is necessary. Thankfully I have the right to sue, and I will sue, if required. Not the best option for someone with my financial status (big FAT 0). How am I supposed to live? If I return to work, I will relapse into a suicidal/psychotic state, become hospitalized and forced to go on welfare. This will put a drain on an already dry system. What the hell did I pay into if not protection from this? The insurance company is wasting more money and time necessary to approve my claim. Just give me a break, give me my damned money and get out of my life! I need help, not stress.

Addiction & Alcholism with Bipolar Disorder

2009-10-29T08:27:00.000-07:00

As far as concurrent disorders are concerned, none has been worse for me than Bipolar Disorder with Alcoholism & Addiction. I refer to addiction & alcoholism separately (although they are the same thing) because I attend two separate 12 step fellowships. Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Both fellowships require we identify ourselves accordingly. So yes, I am an Alcoholic & an Addict and I suffer from Bipolar Disorder (among others....It was recently pointed out to me at my last psychiatric hospital stay that I also MAY have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder and Cluster 'B' personality traits: narcissistic, histrionic, anti-social & borderline personality disorder... I will deal with these later!)

For the past 5 years I have assumed my Addiction/Alcoholism came first on the ladder of disorders. But not anymore. Now I see myself as having Bipolar Disorder first, then Addict/Alcoholic, so on and so forth.

I came to a place of confusion when I first received my Bipolar diagnosis. I asked my psychiatrist, "does this mean I am not an addict/alcoholic?" He went into a lengthy explanation about AA and how integral a part it will play in my treatment of bipolar disorder. He threw in a few oldtimer AA quotes in his peppy Irish accent:

"The oldtimers say meetings are an essential part of recovery; you must attend at least 1 meeting religiously per week in order to stay connected."

"Pick a meeting and go to it, no matter what."

"Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic."

I was going to ask my psychiatrist if he too was an alcoholic but he answered my question before I could speak.

"As you can probably tell, I am an alcoholic, I don't know much about those addiction meetings, but I know I go crazy if I don't attend my weekly AA meeting."

I was blown away. After he finished explaining what his "crazy" looked like (something along the lines of golfing and swearing at some guy who was a "complete jack-ass"), I felt better. I could exist in both worlds, I just had to change my perspective about addiction/alcoholism and bipolar disorder. I need to treat my Bipolarism with medication and my addiction/alcohlism with 12 step meetings.

Some 'traditionalist' AA/NA'rs will think (eh-hem) JUDGE my doing so. They will resolutely say "God can do anything, if you are willing to do the work". I say: FUCK THAT NOISE! Respectfully of course, and move on with my day. If I broke my leg, could I pray to have God to mend the bone? If I have been diagnosed with cancer, can I move into the local monestary and chant the cancer away? NO, I cannot. The same holds true for bipolar disorder. It is a condition which requires medical attention. Meaning I need to take my medication and participate in therapy.

I have seen many addicts/alcoholics fall into this trap. I was one of them. I came off my medication because of the views of some people in AA/NA. I did okay, for awhile, but had to stick to a strict regime of diet, exercise and prayer. I ended up in a suicidal state and had to go back on medication. I believe in the power of a higher-power. I have experienced it on a personal level; however, I also believe in science and that man is responsible for his own life. I remain adamant that medication is ESSENTIAL to my recovery. If I don't take it, my chances for relapse is high. So what the hell would be the point of attending AA/NA meetings?

The belief in a higher-power is important to me. It helps me understand the world as it is. But complete and utter reliance on a "God of my understanding" is lunacy. I have to work at my life. I refuse to think of God as some fairy-god-mother who is there to wish away my symptoms. I am who I am and I accept this. Spiritual principals are what I get from my higher-power. These are tools I use every day to combat the illness's that plague me. But I do not and will not rely on God's power alone. It is God's power along with my own that helps keep me level. Not to mention the fact that when I say I am in complete reliance upon God, I am usually in a psychotic state; and chose to belive it is the same for anyone else who makes such a claim!

I need to integrate both recovery from alcoholism/addiction and treatment for bipolar disorder. I realize there are people in the world who disagree with me but I say to them: why can't I have both? What is wrong with treating my illness on a personal level? What business is it of yours to judge me, and alternatively, what business is it of mine to care what you think? So long as no one is being attacked & hurt we can all go along our happy paths of destiny. But, if I witness anyone openly judging those of us who are destined to take medication while attending 12 step fellowships; I will respectfully speak up against your criticism. It's my life, my body, and I will do whatever it takes to remain healthy.

Up at 5 am.

2009-10-29T06:03:00.000-07:00

I realize most of the world can function at a normal speed. Getting up at 5am after only having 5 hours of sleep; this wouldn't really be an issue. That's how North Americans function isn't it? but for some, this is a tell-tale sign of more to come....

I have Bipolar Disorder and while my mania is somewhat under control, I can feel it poking it's ugly head out. I have consciously placed a layer of medication over top my symptoms to subdue the beast. It still fights to come out and play a little. And why not? I am creative, sexy and carefree, so long as I stay within the boundaries of a hypomanic state. This makes it difficult to take my meds and this attitude is dangerous (for me) since I can switch over to agitated mania without warning. And if I get agitated mania, I get suicidal and sometimes psychotic.

That is the issue with bipolar, I never know what I am going to get. But I do know it will always end up bad, if i don't keep it in check. Frustrating? Yes, it is. Especially when I come into the wonderful euphoria of an elated manic state. Who would want to curb that feeling? Not me, not usually. I can get high from my own brain chemicals, but accomplish very little. Kind of like being on methanphetmines. You have so many tasks, and tech out on everything only to come out of your elevated state to realize the mess you've made.

So I have learned to take my medication, today at least. It calms the beast inside.